The Fear: The truth with being unsettled

So Julia, you have been at this for two years now, gallivanting the world, so when does it stop?

Truth is, I don’t know.

To everyone else, I have been living the dream. I honestly can’t complain. I am still living a life aboard, far away from the lands of Perth and trying to live life to the full each and every day. Although I can admit, that kind of mentality has been side lined for a while. Why? Because over the last year, I have got myself a job and I am not playing tourist anymore; I am living local and enjoying life at a slower pace. Kind of.

I am not travelling endlessly on steroids rather than taking it slow with trips here and there. I can shamefully admit (and I say shamefully because it’s a bit of a joke), that since I ‘moved’ to London in June 2015, I have stayed in the City of London itself for one full month! Every other month I have been doing day trips or going on short getaways or you know, just visiting the family back home in Australia and deciding to take an extended stopover in Hong Kong and the Philippines en route back to London.

Bizarrely also and purely by accident, I have also fallen into a career of travel writing. It also has allowed my views to change on travel as now I see some of the places I venture to as a potential story to tell. It has been an exciting challenge but also one that has made me be someone that I don’t want to be – screen bound! Me with an attention span of a goldfish and working solo, sometimes it can be a lonely exercise but now with the writing paying the bills and financing future travels and not to mention enhancing my creative skill set, I can’t complain. I really can’t.

Ok move aside with the job aspect of things. Here I will discuss the emotional side of things (you know the juicy stuff you ‘I want to know everything’ person you are). Everyone loves a good emotional spill at times (promise I won’t make it too dramatic) – so here it goes.

I spoke to a friend of mine today about what I had previously discussed in an article about travelling solo. It was about conquering fears and the fact that not all people would be willing to get out of their comfort zone and do something drastic. It made me think Have I conquered my biggest fear? Did I survive a big giant spider attack? Actually that has never been a fear of mine but I am surprised that there are spiders where I currently reside in Amsterdam….

I guess most people fear being alone. I can admit, its not like I don’t value or want other people’s company around me. Of course I would rather be having fun with people but I have just got used to doing things by my Jason De Rulo self ie Ridin’ solo. Travel? Tick. Movies? Tick. Gigs? Tick. Three-day camping festival? Tick. The last three I started to do after the solo travels I must admit! No I am not asking you to reward me with gold medals or thinking that I am badass or brave. I’m not. I am just used to doing things by myself that it doesn’t really bother me.

Do I like being alone?

At times however shock horror and #usherconfessions – I am lonely.

I have felt increasingly lonely of late with friends and romantic wise. You want the juice, sure, I’ll dish it out. I don’t have the fear of never finding love again. Sure, I joke that I will end up like the crazy cat lady by 40, maybe still rocking out short shorts and Converse.  This may sound a bit grim or bleak to say, but I have often thought that if I did not love again, I am fine with that.

Girl, you are only 28, of course you will find someone!

Yes, I probably will. The reason why I am ok with it (for now) is that I have loved and it was amazing (not to sound too dramatic there but it was!). It was my first love and to this day, I hold that person in utter high regard. For those close to me, they have known my struggle over the years with my emotions. I have often thought maybe I have not dealt with it entirely because I have been on the move or on the run. I am not sure; I haven’t experienced an other way to deal with it otherwise. With saying that, I have dated over the course of the last five years, met some wonderful men but with the crazy lifestyle that I lead, nothing has been sustainable. I have been happy with that also because, at times it has got to that stage of ‘Are we together?’ and that is when I freak out and realise I don’t want to actually commit to anyone. Or can’t. The fear of settling down kicks in!

Let me also be realistic here, I have moved around so much in the last five years that it would have been impractical to hold down a relationship with this restlessness of wanting to explore everywhere. That is why I always ran away.

Are you going to get ‘your shit together’? You are getting close to 30…

What exactly is getting your ‘shit together’? We throw around that term a lot but is it like you have spent hours spring cleaning your living space, it now sparkles and that’s it? There will always something more that needs to be done or that is wanted.

I have loved every bit of getting older. Well not the number aspect. I am just more sure of myself and what I would want in a partner and in life. Age is a number yes but that does not mean when it hits that 3-0 I suddenly need to become this home owner with a kid and hitched.

I am open to meeting someone. I am ready despite the fact I am moving around ever so much. I know it is not for me now, but I feel like I am open to that if the situation arouse.

I miss having that chemistry with someone. I have felt empty of late. Sometimes I have even like a cold hard bitch as I have just felt emotionless towards how things have ended with a guy. My values have changed a lot in the last five years. Standards have been dropped (at times) just to feel that closeness with someone. I also feel like I have also done stuff that goes against my self worth (never do that).

I think it is important to tell yourself that you are awesome. I think I am.

That may come across as cocky sure but I don’t mean for it to be. I would like it to come across as I know who I am and I am proud of myself. I am not a Barbie i.e seemingly perfect in every way and hard to pinpoint a fault. Gosh, I have them (faults) probably in spades but overall, I am happy with who I am.

So when does the travelling stop? What is your fear (stop segwaying around the question!)

I do not envision the travels stopping completely anytime soon as it is now what I do for a living but slow them down yes. And dear friend, with that said, the greatest fear would be not live out my dreams, to be my true self and not being happy.

**I wrote this in September and have only now had the courage to release it and if you must know, my other big fear is to sing my very best in public. True story – hard to believe I know but its true!**